Great Marriages Don’t Just Happen
We each come to marriage with a different personality and history…with different expectations, different ways of approaching things, and different opinions about what matters in life…We need not agree on everything but we must find a way to handle our differences so that they do not become divisive.” Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages). The problem is that husbands and wives speak different love languages. Your emotional love language and your spouse’s language may be as different as Spanish from English. No matter how much you try to show love in English, if your spouse understands only Spanish, you may never understand how to love one another.
Consider Joe and Kim. Joe wants to be told that his hard work is appreciated. After spending a Saturday working on the lawn, he desires his wife and kids to express how great the lawn looks and what a great job he did. Dr. Chapman would conclude that Joe’s primary love language is Words of Affirmation.
Following this nearly full day working hard on the lawn, Joe is exhausted. As he comes into the home, he sees that Kim has cleaned the house. Joe tells her in glowing words how great the place looks just as he wants to be told how great the lawn looks. So, Joe is trying to show love to Kim based on Joe’s primary love language. This would be great if both Joe and Kim spoke the same love language; however, Kim isn’t looking as much for the verbal appreciation as she is for focused attention and quality conversation.
After a long day of working, Kim is hoping that Joe will sit down and focus on her rather than sports, and she is hoping the conversation will involve sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings in an uninterrupted context. For Kim, it is not enough that Joe spoke English by giving her words of affirmation; but instead, Joe needs to speak Spanish and learn to speak his wife’s love language of Quality Time.
In addition to Words of Affirmation and Quality Time, the other three love languages that Dr. Chapman identifies are Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. Consider the following five questions for a 30 second assessment, and you may be able to identify the language you lean toward:
- I feel especially loved when people express how grateful they are for me, and for the simple, everyday things I do.
- I feel especially loved when a person gives me undivided attention and spends time alone with me.
- I feel especially loved by someone who brings me gifts and other tangible expressions of love.
- I feel especially loved when someone helps me, perhaps by running errands or taking on my household chores.
- I feel especially loved when a person expresses feelings for me through physical contact.
Having good intentions for a good marriage is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. One thing is certain, great marriages don’t just happen. Communicating love isn’t as easy as feeling “in love.” One step in the right direction to make your marriage better is to understand your own personal love language and your spouse’s love language.
Consider picking up a copy of Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. While that’s a good idea, it is difficult for both husband and wife to read another book on marriage. That is why Married Life was founded. Four times a year, Married Life comes alongside couples throughout Macomb and Oakland Counties to encourage and empower them with essential truths for a healthy marriage. This is a great night beginning with appetizers, upbeat contemporary music, a relevant biblically based message on The Five Love Languages, desserts and the opportunity to meet some great people.
We invest more into almost everything else than we do into our marriages. Join us as we will take hold of truth for a great marriage. You can sign up for Married Life, coming Saturday, September 22nd, beginning at 7 pm and running till 9 pm by going on line at www.romeomarriage.com or calling 586.752.3905. The host location of Married Life is 7800 W. 32 Mile Road, Romeo, Michigan 48095. The cost per couple is $10 and childcare is available for $5 per child with a maximum childcare cost of $20.
